Weekend Wrap-Up

West Ham 2-4 Manchester United

Poor, poor Avram Grant. Does anyone see this side staying up? Anyone? No? Me neither... Manchester United haven't been an unstoppable force going forward this year, and yet, West Ham permit 4 goals in the second half and inspire all sorts of Wayne Rooney Is Back articles from David Hirshey or whoever. Well, we're likely to hear more about Wayne's outburst now that he's been given a two game ban for it. What the hell was he thinking? I mean, he's not really displayed amazing decision-making ability in the past. Here's where we crib a few tidbits from his Wikipedia entry to demonstrate:

• While Rooney was house hunting in Cheshire after signing with Manchester United, he spotted a pub sign that read "Admiral Rodney", which he misread as "Admiral Rooney." He nonetheless considered it a positive omen for his future home. Pretty stupid reason to make the largest purchase you'll ever make. Not the water-pressure, not the upkeep costs, not the local schools, but the fact that he mis-read a sign of a bar and it made him slip into a Walter Mitty-style fantasy of Admiral Wayne Rooney, fighting off the Japanese in the defense of Port Arthur....
• Rooney owns a French mastiff dog, which was reportedly bought for £1,250. I really wish he'd gotten a rescue, but whatever. Unless the dog can do your taxes and cook Cheshire's best chili con carne, £1,250 is far too much for a dog.
• Rooney admitted to soliciting prostitution in Liverpool in 2004. '"I was young and stupid. It was at a time when I was very young and immature and before I had settled down with Coleen." You're unmarried, you're a professional athlete, and you decide that, instead of pointing and clicking in any nightclub in the land, you're going to visit a prostitute? Ok, man, enjoy boldly going where at least 100 men have gone before. This never made sense to me. Is there an expectation among the famous that ladies of the night are going to be professional and keep their secrets quietly? Surely we have a large enough sample size of hookers selling their stories to redtops to make professional athletes know that the only way to cheat on your spouses and get away with it is to NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSES. No one said you had to get married. If you want to sleep with the 18-25 female demographic with impunity, don't get married. No one will hold it against you.

So it looks as if we can add shouting "Fuckin What? Fuck Off!" into a camera onto that list. Was he angry? I mean, you just scored a hat-trick and took the lead. Only assholes pick that moment to be defiant. Normal people choose to celebrate and enjoy the moment. Seriously though, this could have consequences. A two game ban is not exactly what Manchester United will have been looking for. If they drop any points during the suspension, look for this to be brought up ad nauseum.

St Mirren 3-1 Hamilton Academical

Fantastic stuff. Hamilton, who have won 2 games all year, now must win 3 and draw one of their final seven matches, and hope that St Mirren lose all 8 of their remaining matches, in order to maintain their SPL status. St Mirren have embarked on a massive transitional phase with a young manager and a trimmed-down payroll and survived. As confusing as Danny Lennon may have been at the beginning of the year, staying in the SPL is an achievement. Hopefully he will have realized that bringing in Cowdenbeath All-Stars is not good enough for this level, and use the limited funds he'll be given to bolster a defense that has been leaky the entire year. It's likely that 11th won't be good enough next year to ensure safety next year, what with the league probably shrinking down to ten teams. Marked improvement is still necessary, but I'll enjoy this while I can. And Michael Higdon, good lord. A perfect hat-trick in ten minutes? More, please.

Also, Billy Reid, Hamilton manager, said after the game,

"But you can't tell me St Mirren are a better team than Hamilton Accies - I can't have that."

Yes, Billy, I can tell you that. This fancy instrument called a 'table' is a very good indicator of the relative ability of different squads. The table tells us that Hamilton are the worst team in the top flight. We also have at our disposal advanced metrics such as 'Goals Scored" and "Goals Allowed." These nuanced statistics tell us that Hamilton have scored the fewest goals of any team in any division of senior league soccer in the entire country. They have also allowed the most goals of any team in the top flight. By almost every measurement available (league standing, goals scored, goals allowed, passes completed, sides of stadium) St Mirren are, in deed and in fact, better than Hamilton.

Rangers 2-3 Dundee United

Ha! David Goodwillie may have raped somebody earlier this year, and Allan McGregor was cleared of charges of sexual assualt last June. The two people in this picture have much to talk about. I don't have too much else to say about this match, other than that Rangers had the chance to take the lead over Celtic had they won, and they failed to do so.