Encountering Wayne Rooney on a Night Out

(Photo: BBC)

This Wolverhampton Police Officer is exactly right. How often we encounter people who look exactly like Wayne Rooney on a night out. In that exact same stance. Look at him. What the fuck is he doing? Does anyone think he's cool? Oh, Wayne, Big Man, he's going to leap through our TV screen and fuck us up. We best respect his personal space. What a clown. Anyone who thinks it's ever OK to square up to someone like that unless it is a matter of life and death is a total idiot. Big Wayne Rooney's going to kick some serious ass because THAT'S WHAT REAL MEN DO! He looks like a total prick.

Of course, after the match he realized what foolishness he'd got himself into, and apologized profusely. Until, that is, he became aware that the FA rightly weren't going to let this one slide and slapped him with a two game ban. He immediately appealed the punishment, and lost. Upon finding out that no temper tantrum would reduce that suspension, he issued the most impish, immature statement. It's the type of thing you'd expect from a 15-year-old who thinks he's Roger B Taney.

I am not the first player to have sworn on TV and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have been caught swearing on camera, I apologised immediately. And yet I am the only person banned for swearing. That doesn't seem right.

I am not the first person to spill milk at Thanksgiving, and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have spilled milk, I made a special effort to run directly to Grandma McLaughlin and, in front of the whole family, threw the milk in her face with such vitriol and force the glass nearly slipped out of my hand. I apologized immediately, though, and now I'm the only person who was sent to the kids table for spilling their drink. That doesn't seem right.

Yes it does, Wayne. It seems super appropriate. And another thing- you weren't "caught" on camera swearing. You swore directly into the camera, started to turn away, then decided to swear again. You child.

I'm all for swearing. Fuck. Shit. Vagina. Swearing can be funny. Swearing in anger is typically ugly and sometimes frightening. Unless you're Bobby Knight. Then, angry swearing is fun. Not for you, Wayne. You're just a little punk who someone gave too much money to. Now, you're going to miss the chance to consign your neighbors to another trophyless season, something of inordinate importance to your fan base.

Free advice: Don't issue another statement, kindly serve your ban, then come back, score goals, and don't verbally abuse the viewing public. That'll do, pig. That'll do.