CONCACAF Champions League

I don't like Mexico. It's not a place I'm fond of. It's not because of the violence. I didn't like it before. It's hot, humid, constantly in political turmoil, economically underdeveloped, like Alabama with electoral fraud. Another reason not to like it: We, as a nation, tend to suck athletically within the borders of the Mexican Federal Constitutional Republic. The only sport we tend to share an interest in, they have a considerably greater interest in. And thus, we are usually roundly beaten every time we, by club or country, venture South of the Border.

(Pedro's weather report: Chili today, Hot tamale!)

Last night was not expected to be different. A inanely named MLS side challenging the most successful Mexican club on unfriendly soil? Surely not.

It started off poorly, with Monterrey finding themselves ahead after a scramble in the box. Fair enough, scrappy goal, probably deserved. Then, something crazy happened. Monterrey took off both the goal-scorer and the club captain. In the 20th minute. They both better be hurt.

It seemed to galvanize Salt Lake, and they got their reward for more pressure with a late first half headed goal through the spectacularly-named Nat Borchers. The second half, Monterrey should've been clean out of sight. They had no business only being one ahead in the 89th minute when Salt Lake got a really cool finish from Javier Morales to secure a 2-2 tie to take back to Rio Tinto.

The coolest part of all of this is Jason Kreis. The Salt Lake manager is as American as it comes. Born in Nebraska, he's never played outside the US. He's our own product, and if Salt Lake succeeds, we'll see an American Coach leading an American Team against the world's best at the Club World Cup. My goodness. If you ignore the stupid names and silly uniforms, this MLS thing seems to be working and improving all the time. A CONCACAF Champions League title would be a feather in the cap of the MLS, and an important step towards gaining respect worldwide. According to the IFFHS, we have the 42nd strongest league in the world, behind Tunisia and ahead of Saudi Arabia. We know this to be false. The rest of the world will not know until we get the chance to prove ourselves on the world stage. Salt Lake is one step away from getting that chance.

FA Cup Wrap-up

Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United

That was special. It looked for all the world as if United would walk away with this one in the first 25 minutes. How poor was Dimitar Berbatov's finishing? Rooney, resplendent in white warm-up jumper, looked on in agony as his Bulgarian replacement for the day managed to scoop over the bar from two yards out. It was about at this point that a customer came in to look at a few vehicles (2010 Dodge Ram Laramie edition, completely kitted out, just a wonderful vehicle. Shame her credit barely scraped 500, though). I returned from an hour of negotiation to find the score where it finished, and with United a man down. Brave, brave Mike Riley, I thought, to send off a United player in a match of such importance. Turns out it wasn't a decision that required courage, just a pair of eyes. Paul Scholes always seemed a decent fellow, and it surely wasn't malicious. He apparently just closed his eyes and went in hoping for the best, missed badly, and almost broke Zabaleta's legs.

It's a milestone for the new City regime. Since the Arabs showed up, they'd failed to beat United in a competitive match (unless you count the league cup semi-final first leg from last year, and I try not to) until Saturday. It will give City the chance to forcibly remove the banner that is seemingly brought up every time City visit Old Trafford, or, at least, re-set it to zero. It was pretty special, and United reacted exactly as you'd expect them to, with indignant rage that Mario Balotelli may have gestured towards the United end of the stadium. Nothing was going to take away from the magnitude of the victory, however. Manchester City...

Well, not quite yet, because there's still the winner of...

Stoke City 5-0 Bolton Wanderers

Is he? Yeesh. How many people from Bolton want their money back this morning? Just a yucky game. Good for Tony Pulis. He's managed against Manchester City at Wembley before. It didn't go too well. You feel for the guy. Look at the :14 mark of the video. He's still wearing the same clothes. If Stoke win the FA Cup, it'll be a great achievement, whilst also being a hammer blow to City. It's exciting to see an FA Cup final without Chelsea/Liverpool/Manchester United. It's fresh, new, and exhilarating for the two fan bases.

YES!

We're drinking and working today, so expect more tomorrow or Monday. How about that? And how about the specky guy they had on Fox Soccer after the game? Where'd he come from?

Weekend Wrap-Up

Blackpool 1-3 Arsenal

(HT: Daily Mail)

Unlucky for Blackpool. As has been the case for nearly all of their games this year, Blackpool provided a sumptuous hangover cure early Sunday Morning. And once again, they didn't get the result their endeavor deserved. The three goals for Arsenal were three of the easiest finishes you'll see all year, but an incident early in the second half had big implications for the remainder of the game. Jens Lehmann, making his first start since returning to Arsenal brought him back in, destroyed DJ Campbell. Campbell certainly had a clear goalscoring opportunity, and a red card was certainly the fair outcome. Lee Mason played advantage, as the ball fell nicely to Gary Taylor-Fletcher who finished with aplomb. There's nothing wrong with playing advantage there, but Lee Mason needed to go back and administer the red card to Lehmann. Making things more interesting, Arsenal did not have a goalkeeper on the bench (technically, Almunia was on the bench, but he was injured in the warmup). Had Lehmann been sent off, Blackpool would have found themselves a goal down, a man up, and facing a team with Sebastien Squillaci between the sticks. Ian Holloway had every right to be upset. I really hope this team stays up. They are a delight.

Manchester United 2-0 Fulham

Maybe they don't need Rooney. Goal for Berbatov, Goal for Valencia, and it wasn't ever uncomfy. Brief ten point lead before Arsenal knocked off Blackpool. They're up 7 as of now. They get a break from league action this weekend with the FA Cup Semi. By their next league game (Tuesday the 19th at Newcastle), they could have just a four point lead. So it's not over yet, but it's getting that way.

Celtic 1-0 St Mirren

(HT: saintmirren.net)

Late goal snatches away hopes of a draw. Same old story. Except this time, John Potter had an open goal 6 feet out and managed to hit wide in injury time. It's hard to blame him, because the defense were so well organized and so hard working for the entire game, but, John, please score that. Come on. Next up for St Mirren, a visit to Rangers. Hamilton lost on Sunday, so their 12-point safety cushion is still intact. 7 points gained by St Mirren or dropped by Hamilton needed to make it official.

Liverpool v Manchester City

Great time-wasting affair this afternoon. It's a 3pm kickoff on the East Coast, so empty your inbox early. This'll be Liverpool's first game since LeBron took a minority stake. Tune in, and enjoy!

Encountering Wayne Rooney on a Night Out

(Photo: BBC)

This Wolverhampton Police Officer is exactly right. How often we encounter people who look exactly like Wayne Rooney on a night out. In that exact same stance. Look at him. What the fuck is he doing? Does anyone think he's cool? Oh, Wayne, Big Man, he's going to leap through our TV screen and fuck us up. We best respect his personal space. What a clown. Anyone who thinks it's ever OK to square up to someone like that unless it is a matter of life and death is a total idiot. Big Wayne Rooney's going to kick some serious ass because THAT'S WHAT REAL MEN DO! He looks like a total prick.

Of course, after the match he realized what foolishness he'd got himself into, and apologized profusely. Until, that is, he became aware that the FA rightly weren't going to let this one slide and slapped him with a two game ban. He immediately appealed the punishment, and lost. Upon finding out that no temper tantrum would reduce that suspension, he issued the most impish, immature statement. It's the type of thing you'd expect from a 15-year-old who thinks he's Roger B Taney.

I am not the first player to have sworn on TV and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have been caught swearing on camera, I apologised immediately. And yet I am the only person banned for swearing. That doesn't seem right.

I am not the first person to spill milk at Thanksgiving, and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have spilled milk, I made a special effort to run directly to Grandma McLaughlin and, in front of the whole family, threw the milk in her face with such vitriol and force the glass nearly slipped out of my hand. I apologized immediately, though, and now I'm the only person who was sent to the kids table for spilling their drink. That doesn't seem right.

Yes it does, Wayne. It seems super appropriate. And another thing- you weren't "caught" on camera swearing. You swore directly into the camera, started to turn away, then decided to swear again. You child.

I'm all for swearing. Fuck. Shit. Vagina. Swearing can be funny. Swearing in anger is typically ugly and sometimes frightening. Unless you're Bobby Knight. Then, angry swearing is fun. Not for you, Wayne. You're just a little punk who someone gave too much money to. Now, you're going to miss the chance to consign your neighbors to another trophyless season, something of inordinate importance to your fan base.

Free advice: Don't issue another statement, kindly serve your ban, then come back, score goals, and don't verbally abuse the viewing public. That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Wednesday Champions League Preview

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Chelsea v Manchester United

Stamford Bridge, London

2.45 ET, Today

This is one of the top reasons why soccer really should catch on in these United States. This game is a godsend for desk jockeys all across this great land. If you're desperately trying to hang on until 5pm, there's a match of this magnitude starting in the mid-afternoon. Just place a bunch of paper on your desk and visit one of the several streaming sites available to intrepid internet surfers and zone out until you clock out.

Now, the headline on the BBC right now is that Sir Alex is going to be focusing on away goals tonight. Always a good plan. Focus on goals. Goals win matches. Goals change games. Blarggaclicheclysm. Whatever.

Anyone who claims to have any idea what'll happen tonight is lying. The pressure on Chelsea is immense. This is it for them, likely. It's a big ask for them to climb back into the title race, so if they fail to progress from this tie, that's it, see you next August. And, really, how much can we trust Abramovich? If they fail to win a trophy for a few seasons, will he get bored, pick up his toys, and leave? It seems to me that's a likelier outcome than people seem to think. They need to win this Champions League, and soon, to maintain the Russian's interest.

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Barcelona v Shahktar Donetsk

2.45 ET Today

Camp Nou, Barcelona

Look at both of those buildings. Magnificent. Unfortunately for Donetsk, the Donbass Arena is the only reason you'd ever go there, while Barcelona has several sights for the American Tourist. Since I know little to nothing about Shahktar or how they'd matchup with Barcelona, let's just talk about what a great city for tourism Barcelona is. I mean, look at that church. It's remarkable isn't it? And it's not even finished! That Gaudi sure could design a building...

Really, though, who cares? It's all about United and Chelsea today. So make your way to a streaming site and don't get any work done after 2. You've earned it! Maybe even try to sneak a beer into the office. You won't get caught! Put it in an inconspicuous red solo cup. No one'll suspect a thing!

Tuesday's Champions League Preview

Tottenham vs. Real Madrid

vs.

What strikes me right off the bat with this match up is the battle between "Harry The Bastard" and "The Special One." First off I don't know of two other managers that just act like such douche bags but seem to get the best out of their players. Unfortunately the match up on Tuesday has been hindered due to injury. Spurs will be without Steven Pienaar, Ledley King, Jonathan Woodgate, and Younes Kaboul. Oh and not too mention Alan Hutton is out for the season. They are also worried about the fitness of Gareth Bale, William Gallas, Aaron Lennon, and Tom Huddlestone who is just coming back from a long stint on the injured list. This is quite a list for Spurs who we really need to be compact defensively. Luckily for Harry Real Madrid also face some injuries. Kareem Benzema has been ruled out, but Christiano Ronaldo might play. Even so Gonzalo Higauin has returned from a long injury.

Harry will most likely stick to the 4-4-1-1 while Jose will employ his usual 4-2-3-1. The key to this fixture is for both teams to play it as a two leg tie. I would expect Tottenham to try and posses when they get the ball but still look for the counter attack, similar to what they did in Milan. Unfortunately I don't see the possibility of Joe Jordan beating up anyone in this match although I must admit I would like to see it. As for Madrid i expect them to remain calm and try to bully the midfield with the likes of Khedira and Alonso. This will allow for the artists of the team to link in front of them. If tomorrow's match ends up as a draw i think the fixture prefers Tottenham. If Madrid score a few goals and hold Spurs i think it will be a different story.

All and all it should be a thrilling match, be sure to tune in tomorrow.

Internazionale vs. Schalke 04

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This match up seems to be less interesting than the previous but still could provide some good soccer. Schalke 04 is having a horrendous season in the Bundesliga they currently sit in 11th place. Which could help them because they are focusing all of their efforts on the UCL. Inter on the other hand have been a different team after getting rid of Benitez. Never quite figured out how the he managed to weasel his way at Liverpool for so long after spending over $100 million on absolute useless players (but that's another article for another time). Leonardo has lifted the side and has added a new weapon to his arsenal with the return of Diego Milito who will start tomorrow night. On another side note does anyone else think that the Milan / Inter rivalry is joke now that Leonardo coaches Inter and Ibrahimovic plays for Milan?

Look for Inter to be very dangerous with the return of the clinical Milito. They have lacked that kind of finishing without him. You can bet on Leonardo deploying his men in a 4-1-2-1-2. Wesley Sneijder will sit at the top of the midfield diamond and look to play in Milito and Eto'o. This was the lethal threesome that caused so much trouble for defenses last season. Schalke will have to be on their toes defensively and stay very organized, which they should be because they are German. They must look to the experience of Raul who has scored 61 goals in the UCL. Farfan has been on great form as of late and will be imperative that he get the ball out wide to provide service for Raul and Huntelaar.

Overall this should be a good match up. If Milito gets off to a good start it should send a strong message to the rest of the teams left in the UCL.

Weekend Wrap-Up

West Ham 2-4 Manchester United

Poor, poor Avram Grant. Does anyone see this side staying up? Anyone? No? Me neither... Manchester United haven't been an unstoppable force going forward this year, and yet, West Ham permit 4 goals in the second half and inspire all sorts of Wayne Rooney Is Back articles from David Hirshey or whoever. Well, we're likely to hear more about Wayne's outburst now that he's been given a two game ban for it. What the hell was he thinking? I mean, he's not really displayed amazing decision-making ability in the past. Here's where we crib a few tidbits from his Wikipedia entry to demonstrate:

• While Rooney was house hunting in Cheshire after signing with Manchester United, he spotted a pub sign that read "Admiral Rodney", which he misread as "Admiral Rooney." He nonetheless considered it a positive omen for his future home. Pretty stupid reason to make the largest purchase you'll ever make. Not the water-pressure, not the upkeep costs, not the local schools, but the fact that he mis-read a sign of a bar and it made him slip into a Walter Mitty-style fantasy of Admiral Wayne Rooney, fighting off the Japanese in the defense of Port Arthur....
• Rooney owns a French mastiff dog, which was reportedly bought for £1,250. I really wish he'd gotten a rescue, but whatever. Unless the dog can do your taxes and cook Cheshire's best chili con carne, £1,250 is far too much for a dog.
• Rooney admitted to soliciting prostitution in Liverpool in 2004. '"I was young and stupid. It was at a time when I was very young and immature and before I had settled down with Coleen." You're unmarried, you're a professional athlete, and you decide that, instead of pointing and clicking in any nightclub in the land, you're going to visit a prostitute? Ok, man, enjoy boldly going where at least 100 men have gone before. This never made sense to me. Is there an expectation among the famous that ladies of the night are going to be professional and keep their secrets quietly? Surely we have a large enough sample size of hookers selling their stories to redtops to make professional athletes know that the only way to cheat on your spouses and get away with it is to NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSES. No one said you had to get married. If you want to sleep with the 18-25 female demographic with impunity, don't get married. No one will hold it against you.

So it looks as if we can add shouting "Fuckin What? Fuck Off!" into a camera onto that list. Was he angry? I mean, you just scored a hat-trick and took the lead. Only assholes pick that moment to be defiant. Normal people choose to celebrate and enjoy the moment. Seriously though, this could have consequences. A two game ban is not exactly what Manchester United will have been looking for. If they drop any points during the suspension, look for this to be brought up ad nauseum.

St Mirren 3-1 Hamilton Academical

Fantastic stuff. Hamilton, who have won 2 games all year, now must win 3 and draw one of their final seven matches, and hope that St Mirren lose all 8 of their remaining matches, in order to maintain their SPL status. St Mirren have embarked on a massive transitional phase with a young manager and a trimmed-down payroll and survived. As confusing as Danny Lennon may have been at the beginning of the year, staying in the SPL is an achievement. Hopefully he will have realized that bringing in Cowdenbeath All-Stars is not good enough for this level, and use the limited funds he'll be given to bolster a defense that has been leaky the entire year. It's likely that 11th won't be good enough next year to ensure safety next year, what with the league probably shrinking down to ten teams. Marked improvement is still necessary, but I'll enjoy this while I can. And Michael Higdon, good lord. A perfect hat-trick in ten minutes? More, please.

Also, Billy Reid, Hamilton manager, said after the game,

"But you can't tell me St Mirren are a better team than Hamilton Accies - I can't have that."

Yes, Billy, I can tell you that. This fancy instrument called a 'table' is a very good indicator of the relative ability of different squads. The table tells us that Hamilton are the worst team in the top flight. We also have at our disposal advanced metrics such as 'Goals Scored" and "Goals Allowed." These nuanced statistics tell us that Hamilton have scored the fewest goals of any team in any division of senior league soccer in the entire country. They have also allowed the most goals of any team in the top flight. By almost every measurement available (league standing, goals scored, goals allowed, passes completed, sides of stadium) St Mirren are, in deed and in fact, better than Hamilton.

Rangers 2-3 Dundee United

Ha! David Goodwillie may have raped somebody earlier this year, and Allan McGregor was cleared of charges of sexual assualt last June. The two people in this picture have much to talk about. I don't have too much else to say about this match, other than that Rangers had the chance to take the lead over Celtic had they won, and they failed to do so.

St Mirren 3-1 Hamilton Academical

More later...

YES!!!!

Nothing, Wayne!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gWrabi1Fu8

He'll likely be getting a smaller game check this week.

English Premier League Weekend Preview

English Premier League Weekend Preview

This weekend in the EPL doesn't strike most as special. With perhaps the biggest match up being Everton vs. Aston Villa. However don't let the lack of big match ups fool you. This year has been the most competitive i can remember in the Prem. With only 10 points separating 20th from 7th there are sure to be some very good matches to keep a close eye on.

First and foremost is Everton vs. Aston Villa. The showdown of the American keepers! Everton has been stricken with injuries as of late and a struggling Aston Villa will look to take advantage of that. This is a huge match for Aston Villa as there are some doubts beginning to surface pertaining to Houllier's job. It will also be intriguing to see if Michael Bradley sees any action. He has only managed to feature in one match since his move from Borussia Mönchengladbach. I personally still find it surprising that he still managed to play 90 mins in both of USA's friendly's this past week (Nepotism?? I think so...). Look for an under achieving Aston Villa to stretch the play with the likes of Young, Downing, and the surprising Albrighton. Houllier will most likely stick to a 4-3-3 with Pires, Makoun, and Petrov in the midfield. It does not look good for Bradley for a start this weekend although i would love to see him get some good time against a quality opponent such as Everton. Everton are facing an injury crisis with Saha, Arteta, and Fellani all sidelined. The match could turn out to be a thriller so tune into Fox Soccer Saturday at 10am.

The next match on my list and also on Fox Soccer is Arsenal vs. Blackburn. Jermaine Jones looks to feature once again as his side takes on a stern test against Arsenal. Wenger will look to steer his squad in the right direction and try to get Arsenal's title hopes back online. With Van Persie back in the side things are looking up for the gunners. However if there is one thing we have learned this year is that there is not such thing as an easy win.

As for the other match ups in the EPL Man City vs. Sunderland looks to be a good one especially considering Sunderland's current form. Perhaps Balotelli might put on a pinnie backwards again?!?

Stay tuned for a weekend wrap up and also an American Abroad wrap up.

St Mirren v Hamilton

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St Mirren v Hamilton Academical

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

10am ET

This is both teams' most important match of the year to date. If St Mirren manage to win, the bottom of the table is all but decided, and odds will be slashed on Accies going down to play the likes of Morton and Queen of the South next year. The Buddies (hence the buddy movie poster) could more or less seal SPL soccer for the 6th straight year. In addition to securing top division play for next year, St Mirren can secure their financial future. Saints have been for sale for about two years now, and a sale is very close to being finished to a consortium of local business people. Obviously, the value of the club is tied into their SPL status. A win on Saturday could see the sale process speed up significantly, while a loss might put things on hold until it is determined what league St Mirren will be playing in.

Hamilton are a First Division club trapped in the SPL. They don't have a whole stadium, their attendance is a joke, and pretty much everyone in the whole country would love to see another generic west-of-Scotland team disappear in exchange for Raith Rovers. But Thomas, you ask, isn't St Mirren just another generic west-of-Scotland team? Yes, they are, but we're a bit biased around here. St Mirren have a significantly richer history, with 3 triumphs in the Scottish Cup to 0 for Accies. Paisley is also much easier to get to, and the stadium's proximity to the station make it an easy and enjoyable trip for all.

In actual analysis, Hamilton can't score, and St Mirren can't keep people from scoring. St Mirren's offense has picked up lately, and they've got a fully fit squad to choose from. I think tomorrow's the day St Mirren puts Hamilton to the sword and finally ends their three-year stay in the SPL. Not a day too soon.