Good Morning

Who are you?

I'm Thomas Whitmore, humble car salesman for Barnes-Leslie Chevy-Buick-GMC here in Lubbock, TX. I work in the used car department. We've just had a meeting detailing the benefits our business will feel thanks to the disruption in the new car supply chain due to the Japanese Earthquake/Tsunami. I work in a reputable business. Try the new Volt!

Wow. That sounds slightly unethical. Do you rejoice in the sorrow of others often?

Funny you should say that, because I do! The multiple opportunities to do just that is what draws me to soccer. No sport can sucker punch you quite like it. Take the Rangers-Sporting Lisbon tie in the Europa League earli-

Wait. Why would you use that match as an example? Those teams kind of suck and no one likes that competition anyway.

I know, I know. I went to school in Scotland, so I pull for Scots on tour, even if I can't stand them domestically. But back to that Rangers-Sporting set-up. After they had tied 1-1 in Glasgow, they go down to Lisbon. Sporting lead 2-1 in stoppage time. The Portuguese have dollar signs in their eyes as they dream of a long European run, they've probably already started visiting Orbitz (or whatever the Portuguese equivalent is) to check hotels in Amsterdam, then they realize they can't afford the Orbitz prices on the hotels and go to Priceline-

Why would they go to Priceline?!? That's a terrible service! They might be looking for a hotel in Amsterdam and end up staying in Denmark! Who cares if it's cheaper? It's terrifying planning a trip when you have no idea where you're staying.

Did you have a rough time booking through Priceline?

Yes. Naples is NOT Miami Beach, despite what Priceline will have you think.

I'm sorry. Anyway, as the Portuguese are busy planning their trip, Maurice Edu shows up and punts half of Lisbon in the groin. ITV gets the opportunity to show a bunch of sad Portuguese faces. And not much makes me happier than seeing sad Portuguese faces.

That sounds a bit racist.

Oh, I'm non-discriminatory when it comes to who I like seeing upset. It was thrilling seeing a continent crushed by Luis Suarez last summer in the World Cup.

Oh, come on, Thomas, who didn't want to see an African team in the World Cup semi-finals?

ME! THAT'S WHO! ANYONE WHO WAS SICK OF JEREMY SCHAAP (eeeeeeeeee s p nnnnnnnn) DOING ABOUT 2,300 PUFF PIECES ON WHAT IT WOULD MEAN FOR THE CONTINENT! WHO WASN'T TIRED OF THAT SHIT? AND BESIDES, THEY BEAT AMERICA, THOSE UNGRATEFUL FUCKS! AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE FOR GHANA, THEY HAVE THE TEMERITY-

We don't give them that much aid. Besides, it was a nice story. It sounds like you're a horribly bitter person.

Probably.

So, from your story earlier, can I assume that you like Rangers?

NO! I don't. At all. Sure I'll back them in European competition, but I don't have any affinity for either half of the Old Firm.

Who is your favorite team then?

St Mirren.

...

...

Why?

I don't really have a good answer for that. I mean, I had a friend who was from Paisley. He took me to my first game, and that was my team.

No one cares about Scottish Soccer. It's dull and boring and it's always really muddy and the players are shitty and even Rangers and Celtic would probably finish 12th in the Championship. St Mirren would probably struggle to stay in League Two. I hope this blog won't be about Scottish Soccer. I hate Scottish Soccer.

It won't entirely be about the SPL. It won't even mostly be about the SPL. I mean I might post occasionally about it, but it's certainly not the focus.

Don't even try to convince to care about St Mirren.

Geez, I won't! Getting a bit touchy, aren't we?

If the SPL isn't going to be the focus, what is the point of this?

As far as I'm concerned, I got tired of soccer coverage that couldn't talk about the game without breaking into poesy. Nothing annoys me more than hearing someone refer to the 'beautiful game.' Any time I hear someone say that, the rage I feel can't be calculated without the use of instruments that are yet to be invented.

Why?

I can't explain it. It's just such a dumb nickname. Baseball has 'Our National Pastime.' Football has 'Gridiron.' Basketball is 'Hoops-'

Hoops? Really?

Yeah. Shoot some hoops?

Not with you.

Fair enough. My point is none of those even approach the pretentiousness required to use 'the beautiful game.' It smacks of some suave Spaniard telling me that his paella is better than my TGI Friday's Sesame Jack Chicken Strips, you uncultured American.

His paella probably is better than your appetizer.

That's not the point. We love baseball, basketball, football, golf, tennis, and even ice hockey. Rugby Union and cricket are cool too. And we'll probably post on those sports from time to time. We really like soccer, and we want other people to like soccer, but never under the pretense that it is by its nature better. We're starting this blog to try and approach soccer without writing obnoxious odes to its superiority.

Will you be writing odes to TGI Friday's?

Maybe.

Do you like any teams in leagues that I care about?

Do you like the English Premiership?

Oh, yes I do.

Me too. My favorite team is Manchester City.

Jesus Christ on a trampoline, you're one of them!

No! I swear! I was with them before the Arabs or the crazy Asian Dictator!

Doubt it.

Fine. Don't believe me.

I don't.

Listen, we're not going to agree on much. But you can always e-mail me at TWhitmoreRFS@gmail.com and tell me exactly how you feel. Or comment below.

No one's going to e-mail you, or comment. No one knows this blog exists. You have no internet friends.

That's true.

I don't like you, Thomas. You're bitter, you like Scottish Soccer (which no one likes), and you're a car salesman. I don't think I'll ever visit this online establishment again.

Fine. Maybe you'll like my colleague. He'll be along soon.