President Whitmore has been Unwell.

(HT:AberdeenFConYT)

We were gone for a while. Suffice it to say, we've enjoyed the Lubbock sunshine. 40+ days of 100F+ temperatures? Sign me up!

But something happened while we were away. St Mirren got good. I mean really good. Gary Teale, Steven Thompson, Graham Carey, Nigel Hasselbaink, Jerome Tesselaar, Paul McGowan. All of those players are better than those they are replacing. Just look at that video. And look at our jerseys! They're amazing! We're amazing! Hugs all around.

Vladimir Romanov continues to be all sorts of ridiculous. Showing the same impeccable timing that UNC did last week when firing Butch Davis, they've opted to get rid of Jim Jefferies three days before a crucial Europa League qualifier. Is there such a thing as a crucial Europa League qualifier, you ask? Well, when the UEFA coefficient of your league is as bad as it is, every European game matters. So Hearts look to be a mess for the remainder of the year. Hibs seem dire. Killie lost a lot. Aberdeen can't attack. Dunfermline are undermanned. Motherwell are good, but nothing amazing. Dundee United seem solid. St Johnstone are allergic to goals. Inverness seem lively, but understaffed. But St Mirren look good, and if that leads to a European place for the Buddies... all I know is this:

Scottish Premier table
Sunday, 31 July 2011 16:52 UK

		P	GD	PTS
1	Motherwell	2	3	4
2	Rangers	2	2	4
3	Dundee Utd	2	1	4
4	St Mirren	2	1	4
5	Celtic	1	2	3
6	Hibernian	2	-1	3
7	Kilmarnock	2	0	2
8	Dunfermline	1	0	1
9	Hearts	2	-1	1
10	Aberdeen	2	-1	1
11	St Johnstone	2	-2	1
12	Inverness CT	2	-4	0

Fourth Place. I'll take it. Stop the season.

Anyway, we're going to be posting more regularly now. I'm sure James'll have something to say about Jurgen Klinsmann. He's just now coming out of his post-coital glow upon hearing of Bob Bradley's canning.

We're back, hopefully regularly.

CONCACAF Champions League

I don't like Mexico. It's not a place I'm fond of. It's not because of the violence. I didn't like it before. It's hot, humid, constantly in political turmoil, economically underdeveloped, like Alabama with electoral fraud. Another reason not to like it: We, as a nation, tend to suck athletically within the borders of the Mexican Federal Constitutional Republic. The only sport we tend to share an interest in, they have a considerably greater interest in. And thus, we are usually roundly beaten every time we, by club or country, venture South of the Border.

(Pedro's weather report: Chili today, Hot tamale!)

Last night was not expected to be different. A inanely named MLS side challenging the most successful Mexican club on unfriendly soil? Surely not.

It started off poorly, with Monterrey finding themselves ahead after a scramble in the box. Fair enough, scrappy goal, probably deserved. Then, something crazy happened. Monterrey took off both the goal-scorer and the club captain. In the 20th minute. They both better be hurt.

It seemed to galvanize Salt Lake, and they got their reward for more pressure with a late first half headed goal through the spectacularly-named Nat Borchers. The second half, Monterrey should've been clean out of sight. They had no business only being one ahead in the 89th minute when Salt Lake got a really cool finish from Javier Morales to secure a 2-2 tie to take back to Rio Tinto.

The coolest part of all of this is Jason Kreis. The Salt Lake manager is as American as it comes. Born in Nebraska, he's never played outside the US. He's our own product, and if Salt Lake succeeds, we'll see an American Coach leading an American Team against the world's best at the Club World Cup. My goodness. If you ignore the stupid names and silly uniforms, this MLS thing seems to be working and improving all the time. A CONCACAF Champions League title would be a feather in the cap of the MLS, and an important step towards gaining respect worldwide. According to the IFFHS, we have the 42nd strongest league in the world, behind Tunisia and ahead of Saudi Arabia. We know this to be false. The rest of the world will not know until we get the chance to prove ourselves on the world stage. Salt Lake is one step away from getting that chance.

FA Cup Wrap-up

Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United

That was special. It looked for all the world as if United would walk away with this one in the first 25 minutes. How poor was Dimitar Berbatov's finishing? Rooney, resplendent in white warm-up jumper, looked on in agony as his Bulgarian replacement for the day managed to scoop over the bar from two yards out. It was about at this point that a customer came in to look at a few vehicles (2010 Dodge Ram Laramie edition, completely kitted out, just a wonderful vehicle. Shame her credit barely scraped 500, though). I returned from an hour of negotiation to find the score where it finished, and with United a man down. Brave, brave Mike Riley, I thought, to send off a United player in a match of such importance. Turns out it wasn't a decision that required courage, just a pair of eyes. Paul Scholes always seemed a decent fellow, and it surely wasn't malicious. He apparently just closed his eyes and went in hoping for the best, missed badly, and almost broke Zabaleta's legs.

It's a milestone for the new City regime. Since the Arabs showed up, they'd failed to beat United in a competitive match (unless you count the league cup semi-final first leg from last year, and I try not to) until Saturday. It will give City the chance to forcibly remove the banner that is seemingly brought up every time City visit Old Trafford, or, at least, re-set it to zero. It was pretty special, and United reacted exactly as you'd expect them to, with indignant rage that Mario Balotelli may have gestured towards the United end of the stadium. Nothing was going to take away from the magnitude of the victory, however. Manchester City...

Well, not quite yet, because there's still the winner of...

Stoke City 5-0 Bolton Wanderers

Is he? Yeesh. How many people from Bolton want their money back this morning? Just a yucky game. Good for Tony Pulis. He's managed against Manchester City at Wembley before. It didn't go too well. You feel for the guy. Look at the :14 mark of the video. He's still wearing the same clothes. If Stoke win the FA Cup, it'll be a great achievement, whilst also being a hammer blow to City. It's exciting to see an FA Cup final without Chelsea/Liverpool/Manchester United. It's fresh, new, and exhilarating for the two fan bases.

YES!

We're drinking and working today, so expect more tomorrow or Monday. How about that? And how about the specky guy they had on Fox Soccer after the game? Where'd he come from?

Weekend Wrap-Up

Blackpool 1-3 Arsenal

(HT: Daily Mail)

Unlucky for Blackpool. As has been the case for nearly all of their games this year, Blackpool provided a sumptuous hangover cure early Sunday Morning. And once again, they didn't get the result their endeavor deserved. The three goals for Arsenal were three of the easiest finishes you'll see all year, but an incident early in the second half had big implications for the remainder of the game. Jens Lehmann, making his first start since returning to Arsenal brought him back in, destroyed DJ Campbell. Campbell certainly had a clear goalscoring opportunity, and a red card was certainly the fair outcome. Lee Mason played advantage, as the ball fell nicely to Gary Taylor-Fletcher who finished with aplomb. There's nothing wrong with playing advantage there, but Lee Mason needed to go back and administer the red card to Lehmann. Making things more interesting, Arsenal did not have a goalkeeper on the bench (technically, Almunia was on the bench, but he was injured in the warmup). Had Lehmann been sent off, Blackpool would have found themselves a goal down, a man up, and facing a team with Sebastien Squillaci between the sticks. Ian Holloway had every right to be upset. I really hope this team stays up. They are a delight.

Manchester United 2-0 Fulham

Maybe they don't need Rooney. Goal for Berbatov, Goal for Valencia, and it wasn't ever uncomfy. Brief ten point lead before Arsenal knocked off Blackpool. They're up 7 as of now. They get a break from league action this weekend with the FA Cup Semi. By their next league game (Tuesday the 19th at Newcastle), they could have just a four point lead. So it's not over yet, but it's getting that way.

Celtic 1-0 St Mirren

(HT: saintmirren.net)

Late goal snatches away hopes of a draw. Same old story. Except this time, John Potter had an open goal 6 feet out and managed to hit wide in injury time. It's hard to blame him, because the defense were so well organized and so hard working for the entire game, but, John, please score that. Come on. Next up for St Mirren, a visit to Rangers. Hamilton lost on Sunday, so their 12-point safety cushion is still intact. 7 points gained by St Mirren or dropped by Hamilton needed to make it official.

Liverpool v Manchester City

Great time-wasting affair this afternoon. It's a 3pm kickoff on the East Coast, so empty your inbox early. This'll be Liverpool's first game since LeBron took a minority stake. Tune in, and enjoy!

Encountering Wayne Rooney on a Night Out

(Photo: BBC)

This Wolverhampton Police Officer is exactly right. How often we encounter people who look exactly like Wayne Rooney on a night out. In that exact same stance. Look at him. What the fuck is he doing? Does anyone think he's cool? Oh, Wayne, Big Man, he's going to leap through our TV screen and fuck us up. We best respect his personal space. What a clown. Anyone who thinks it's ever OK to square up to someone like that unless it is a matter of life and death is a total idiot. Big Wayne Rooney's going to kick some serious ass because THAT'S WHAT REAL MEN DO! He looks like a total prick.

Of course, after the match he realized what foolishness he'd got himself into, and apologized profusely. Until, that is, he became aware that the FA rightly weren't going to let this one slide and slapped him with a two game ban. He immediately appealed the punishment, and lost. Upon finding out that no temper tantrum would reduce that suspension, he issued the most impish, immature statement. It's the type of thing you'd expect from a 15-year-old who thinks he's Roger B Taney.

I am not the first player to have sworn on TV and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have been caught swearing on camera, I apologised immediately. And yet I am the only person banned for swearing. That doesn't seem right.

I am not the first person to spill milk at Thanksgiving, and I won't be the last.

Unlike others who have spilled milk, I made a special effort to run directly to Grandma McLaughlin and, in front of the whole family, threw the milk in her face with such vitriol and force the glass nearly slipped out of my hand. I apologized immediately, though, and now I'm the only person who was sent to the kids table for spilling their drink. That doesn't seem right.

Yes it does, Wayne. It seems super appropriate. And another thing- you weren't "caught" on camera swearing. You swore directly into the camera, started to turn away, then decided to swear again. You child.

I'm all for swearing. Fuck. Shit. Vagina. Swearing can be funny. Swearing in anger is typically ugly and sometimes frightening. Unless you're Bobby Knight. Then, angry swearing is fun. Not for you, Wayne. You're just a little punk who someone gave too much money to. Now, you're going to miss the chance to consign your neighbors to another trophyless season, something of inordinate importance to your fan base.

Free advice: Don't issue another statement, kindly serve your ban, then come back, score goals, and don't verbally abuse the viewing public. That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Wednesday Champions League Preview

v

Chelsea v Manchester United

Stamford Bridge, London

2.45 ET, Today

This is one of the top reasons why soccer really should catch on in these United States. This game is a godsend for desk jockeys all across this great land. If you're desperately trying to hang on until 5pm, there's a match of this magnitude starting in the mid-afternoon. Just place a bunch of paper on your desk and visit one of the several streaming sites available to intrepid internet surfers and zone out until you clock out.

Now, the headline on the BBC right now is that Sir Alex is going to be focusing on away goals tonight. Always a good plan. Focus on goals. Goals win matches. Goals change games. Blarggaclicheclysm. Whatever.

Anyone who claims to have any idea what'll happen tonight is lying. The pressure on Chelsea is immense. This is it for them, likely. It's a big ask for them to climb back into the title race, so if they fail to progress from this tie, that's it, see you next August. And, really, how much can we trust Abramovich? If they fail to win a trophy for a few seasons, will he get bored, pick up his toys, and leave? It seems to me that's a likelier outcome than people seem to think. They need to win this Champions League, and soon, to maintain the Russian's interest.

v

Barcelona v Shahktar Donetsk

2.45 ET Today

Camp Nou, Barcelona

Look at both of those buildings. Magnificent. Unfortunately for Donetsk, the Donbass Arena is the only reason you'd ever go there, while Barcelona has several sights for the American Tourist. Since I know little to nothing about Shahktar or how they'd matchup with Barcelona, let's just talk about what a great city for tourism Barcelona is. I mean, look at that church. It's remarkable isn't it? And it's not even finished! That Gaudi sure could design a building...

Really, though, who cares? It's all about United and Chelsea today. So make your way to a streaming site and don't get any work done after 2. You've earned it! Maybe even try to sneak a beer into the office. You won't get caught! Put it in an inconspicuous red solo cup. No one'll suspect a thing!